Q: My boyfriend doesn't not want to engage in sexual intercourse. We have been dating for 4 years and he said he wanted to wait when he was ready. A few years ago he said he wanted to, but as soon as the time became available he rejected the idea and has since. I feel sexually deprived, and I don't want to push him or force it on him, but it is difficult to feel satisfied when he gets blowjobs and I feel used. I truly believe we love each other, but it has gotten to the point were I feel like I am not good enough for him, and that maybe if I changed something about myself physically then he would consider it once more.
How can it be approached without having to threaten/ suggest going separate ways? Could there be something else, like a past experience that ruined it all for him
A: There could be many reasons why he doesn't want to have vaginal sex. It could be that he feels nervous or inadequate in his ability to be a good lover. It could be that he is perfectly satisfied with your sex life as it is and doesn't want to "rock the boat." It could be that he isn't attracted to women in general. It's really impossible to know what's going on, unless you talk to him about it. It sounds like the two of you need to have a long, honest conversation about what has been going on in your relationship.
One thing is for sure, though: Something needs to change. It's clear that this is having a really negative impact on you emotionally and psychologically. From what you wrote, it seems like this relationship is making you feel pretty badly about yourself. One thing to remember is that if he doesn't want to have sex, that has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. It saddens me to think that this is making you feel like you're not good enough. A healthy and mutually supportive relationship should make you feel appreciated and sexually desirable. If this relationship is causing you to feel the opposite, then something really needs to change. So, again, I strongly urge you to talk with him about this and to fully express how this is affecting you. I hope that you can do this while also receiving emotional support from a close friend or counselor.
Answers provided by Dr. Ross Avilla
Dr. Ross Avilla has been teaching Human Sexuality since 2013 and has a PhD in psychology from UC Davis. Dr. Avilla is not a clinician and all information and advice offered on this website is for educational purposes only.