Q: Hi, Dr. Sex. I am a queer male who LOVES flirting with straight men; like I get off on it af. Is this a product of commitment issues, a genuine kink, or am I just flirting with the idolization of toxic hetero/cis-dominant masculinity? Also, I've noticed straight men who have girlfriends are wayyy more comfortable 'jokingly' flirting with gay men - is there anything there? #PlsSendHalp
A: To summarize, it seems that you enjoy flirting with people who don't have genuine sexual interest in you. There could be a lot of reasons for that. It might because there's no pressure or consequences when you flirt with someone "just for fun," where you know that it won't actually result in sex or a relationship. It could also be extra exciting because of the "forbidden" aspect of flirting with straight men, especially those who are already partnered. You might also just be attracted to masculine guys (although, there are plenty of gay, masculine men out there too). The only person who can say exactly why you enjoy doing this is you.
I would say that this behavior isn't bad or unhealthy unless you feel that it's keeping you from establishing meaningful and satisfying sexual relationships. If you find that you aren't attracted to anyone who would be attracted to you, then you might want to talk with someone about that (perhaps a close friend or therapist). But, if you just enjoy flirting with straight men and your straight, male friends enjoy it too, then I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
Answers provided by Dr. Ross Avilla
Dr. Ross Avilla has been teaching Human Sexuality since 2013 and has a PhD in psychology from UC Davis. Dr. Avilla is not a clinician and all information and advice offered on this website is for educational purposes only.