Q: I don't enjoy sex with my partner as much as I used to. I think that as our relationship has gone on, he has become more sexually selfish and I find myself getting really sexually frustrated. I have talked to him about it twice before, but I'm not sure that he's taking it seriously. When I ask him to give, he makes it clear that he doesn't really want to yet he still wants me to give him a blowjob. Do you have any suggestions on how to communicate and bring actual changes to our relationship?
A: If you’re clearly communicating your needs and he just doesn’t seem to care, then it doesn’t seem like you’re in a mutually caring and supportive relationship. It’s ultimately up to you as to what to do next, but you basically have 3 options. These 3 options are common for most relationship conflicts. Basically, you can try to 1) change the situation, 2) accept the situation, or 3) leave the situation. To be more specific…
Q: How can I tell my boyfriend I want to have sex more without making he feel like he doesn't satisfy me enough?
A: I think this all depends on how you phrase it. Later on in the class, we’ll cover communication in relationships, so I’ll give you a few tips from that upcoming lecture. Basically, you just want to be honest, but caring in how you phrase things and concentrate on yourself rather than him. If you phrase it like, “I really love having sex with you and I’d love to do it more often!” I don’t think any guy would feel badly about that. But, if you phrase it like, “I really wish you wanted to have sex more,” then this puts the blame on him and doesn’t really tell him why you want this (your own feelings). So, my advice is to be positive, caring and focus on telling him about your own needs, rather than what he’s “lacking” in the situation. Also, your request will probably be something he won’t mind giving you, so I think you’ll be fine.
Answers provided by Dr. Ross Avilla
Dr. Ross Avilla has been teaching Human Sexuality since 2013 and has a PhD in psychology from UC Davis. Dr. Avilla is not a clinician and all information and advice offered on this website is for educational purposes only.