Q: What would be the best way to go about somebody “ghosting” you? Would no response work? Talking to them? In this new day in age how do we handle this appropriately ?
A: I'm assuming that what you mean by someone "ghosting" you is if someone simply doesn't talk to you (not replying to your texts or social media messages). If someone "ghosts" you, it's likely that they don't wish to continue having a relationship with you and that they're too self-conscious to say why (or simply don't care to explain themselves). In this case, the best thing is to forget about them and move on. If they don't want to participate in the relationship, then you shouldn't either.
You don't need to take it as an insult or a sign that you did anything wrong. Sometimes people end relationships because they just aren't "clicking" with that person (through no fault of either person). But, other times people "ghost" others because of extenuating circumstances going on in their life. Whatever the case, it's time for you to move on. If you see this person around, it's good to be polite, but you probably don't need to do much more than say "Hello" and move on.
Q: My boyfriend doesn't not want to engage in sexual intercourse. We have been dating for 4 years and he said he wanted to wait when he was ready. A few years ago he said he wanted to, but as soon as the time became available he rejected the idea and has since. I feel sexually deprived, and I don't want to push him or force it on him, but it is difficult to feel satisfied when he gets blowjobs and I feel used. I truly believe we love each other, but it has gotten to the point were I feel like I am not good enough for him, and that maybe if I changed something about myself physically then he would consider it once more.
How can it be approached without having to threaten/ suggest going separate ways? Could there be something else, like a past experience that ruined it all for him
A: There could be many reasons why he doesn't want to have vaginal sex. It could be that he feels nervous or inadequate in his ability to be a good lover. It could be that he is perfectly satisfied with your sex life as it is and doesn't want to "rock the boat." It could be that he isn't attracted to women in general. It's really impossible to know what's going on, unless you talk to him about it. It sounds like the two of you need to have a long, honest conversation about what has been going on in your relationship.
One thing is for sure, though: Something needs to change. It's clear that this is having a really negative impact on you emotionally and psychologically. From what you wrote, it seems like this relationship is making you feel pretty badly about yourself. One thing to remember is that if he doesn't want to have sex, that has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. It saddens me to think that this is making you feel like you're not good enough. A healthy and mutually supportive relationship should make you feel appreciated and sexually desirable. If this relationship is causing you to feel the opposite, then something really needs to change. So, again, I strongly urge you to talk with him about this and to fully express how this is affecting you. I hope that you can do this while also receiving emotional support from a close friend or counselor.
Q: My boyfriend and I haven't had intercourse but we have had oral. I don't mind it because I enjoy it. But lately I have begun to worry why he doesn't try to have actual intercourse with me. We have been close to a couple of times but he always makes excuses when it comes to it. Is this normal?
A: There could be several reasons why your boyfriend hasn't tried penetrative sex with you. It could be that he's nervous. If this is his first time having penile-vaginal sex or he hasn't had penetrative sex in a long time, he may feel that he won't be "good" at it or that he might ejaculate too quickly. Of course, the only real way to know why is to ask him. If you want to have penetrative sex, there's nothing wrong with simply asking him if he would be comfortable doing that and, if not, why.
If he says that he's worried about his performance or possibly ejaculating too quickly, then perhaps you could try having penetrative sex with him for just a little while (10 - 30 seconds) and then going back to oral sex. You can switch back and forth until he feels comfortable enough to have penetrative sex for longer periods of time. If he does ejaculate quickly, then check out my blog post on how guys can last longer when having sex. You can find that post here.
The best thing to do in these types of situations is to talk about it. You can do so in a non-judgmental way and remind him that he can talk to you about anything and you'll be understanding and caring. After all, if you truly care about each other, you should be able to talk openly and honestly about sex.
Q: I don't enjoy sex with my partner as much as I used to. I think that as our relationship has gone on, he has become more sexually selfish and I find myself getting really sexually frustrated. I have talked to him about it twice before, but I'm not sure that he's taking it seriously. When I ask him to give, he makes it clear that he doesn't really want to yet he still wants me to give him a blowjob. Do you have any suggestions on how to communicate and bring actual changes to our relationship?
A: If you’re clearly communicating your needs and he just doesn’t seem to care, then it doesn’t seem like you’re in a mutually caring and supportive relationship. It’s ultimately up to you as to what to do next, but you basically have 3 options. These 3 options are common for most relationship conflicts. Basically, you can try to 1) change the situation, 2) accept the situation, or 3) leave the situation. To be more specific…
Q: I'm kind of into role playing and whips and handcuff in the bedroom, but my boyfriend doesn't know that side of me , how can I expose him to and get him interested in it without seeming like a freak?
A: You could take two options with this. One is to be open and honest and just talk to him about it, such as, “Here are some things I’m into and I was wondering if you’d like to try this out with me. I think it’d be a lot of fun!” This is a great tactic if you think he’d be open to exploring this with you.
If you’re worried that he may not be open to this, you can take another tactic and introduce this slowly into your sex life. You could start with some light bondage, such as tying him up with a piece of clothing “just for fun” or to “try something new” and see how he responds. Then you can suggest he do the same to you. Instead of breaking out the whips right away, you could playfully slap him on the butt or suggest he do that to you during sex. It’s likely that he’ll enjoy these activities if they become a regular part of your sex life and then you can “up the ante” slowly over time. Of course, always be open to the fact that he may just not be into doing these things. If that’s the case, then you should be understanding, rather than force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.
Q: How can I tell my boyfriend I want to have sex more without making he feel like he doesn't satisfy me enough?
A: I think this all depends on how you phrase it. Later on in the class, we’ll cover communication in relationships, so I’ll give you a few tips from that upcoming lecture. Basically, you just want to be honest, but caring in how you phrase things and concentrate on yourself rather than him. If you phrase it like, “I really love having sex with you and I’d love to do it more often!” I don’t think any guy would feel badly about that. But, if you phrase it like, “I really wish you wanted to have sex more,” then this puts the blame on him and doesn’t really tell him why you want this (your own feelings). So, my advice is to be positive, caring and focus on telling him about your own needs, rather than what he’s “lacking” in the situation. Also, your request will probably be something he won’t mind giving you, so I think you’ll be fine.
Answers provided by Dr. Ross Avilla
Dr. Ross Avilla has been teaching Human Sexuality since 2013 and has a PhD in psychology from UC Davis. Dr. Avilla is not a clinician and all information and advice offered on this website is for educational purposes only.