Q: Is it normal to get VERY wet when having sex?
A: I love it when there's a really easy question and this is one of them. The answer is, YES, that's totally normal. It's also normal to be relatively dry when having sex. There is a lot of natural variability (differences) between women in how much vaginal lubrication they produce when sexually aroused. Some women get "very wet" and some hardly produce any lubrication at all. There's nothing wrong in either scenario, it's just the way you were built.
If you're on the "wetter" side, enjoy it! It just means that it's really easy to tell when you're aroused and you don't have to use any extra lube when having sex. If you're worried about getting your underwear wet during the day, you can just wear panty liners. Also, you may need to wash your sheets more often if you're having sex regularly. Otherwise, it's no big deal. If you're on the "dryer" side, don't worry! Just use store-bought sex lubricant (such as KY Jelly) and use that. Either way, enjoy your sex life and remember, "The wetter, the better!"
"Hmm, a bit wetter than I expected..."
Q: What are some important things to consider or be aware of when approaching sex with a transgender person?
A: Having a sexual relationship with a trans person is really not that different from having one with a cisgender (non-transgender) person. The key is to communicate your own sexual needs and to be receptive to their needs as well. A trans person is someone who has clearly thought a lot about their body, their gender roles, and (hopefully) what satisfies them sexually. So, I suggest just asking them about it.
Some trans people like to play a predominantly masculine or feminine role in the bedroom, most often coinciding with their gender identity. This can be related or unrelated to the sexual organs of their body. But, you don't want to assume that a trans woman would want to play a wholly feminine role in the bedroom or vice versa. For example, there are many pre-op, trans men who enjoy having their vagina penetrated during sex. There are also many trans people who engage in both "masculine" and "feminine" behaviors when having sex. So, try not to enter the sexual relationship with any preconceived notions about how "trans people like to have sex." Get to know the individual trans person you're with and form a unique sexual relationship that satisfies both of you.
Cosmopolitan did a great two-part series on things to know when dating a trans woman or man. You may want to check it out...
12 things you should know before dating a transgender guy
14 things you should know before dating a trans girl
Q: My boyfriend doesn't not want to engage in sexual intercourse. We have been dating for 4 years and he said he wanted to wait when he was ready. A few years ago he said he wanted to, but as soon as the time became available he rejected the idea and has since. I feel sexually deprived, and I don't want to push him or force it on him, but it is difficult to feel satisfied when he gets blowjobs and I feel used. I truly believe we love each other, but it has gotten to the point were I feel like I am not good enough for him, and that maybe if I changed something about myself physically then he would consider it once more.
How can it be approached without having to threaten/ suggest going separate ways? Could there be something else, like a past experience that ruined it all for him
A: There could be many reasons why he doesn't want to have vaginal sex. It could be that he feels nervous or inadequate in his ability to be a good lover. It could be that he is perfectly satisfied with your sex life as it is and doesn't want to "rock the boat." It could be that he isn't attracted to women in general. It's really impossible to know what's going on, unless you talk to him about it. It sounds like the two of you need to have a long, honest conversation about what has been going on in your relationship.
One thing is for sure, though: Something needs to change. It's clear that this is having a really negative impact on you emotionally and psychologically. From what you wrote, it seems like this relationship is making you feel pretty badly about yourself. One thing to remember is that if he doesn't want to have sex, that has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. It saddens me to think that this is making you feel like you're not good enough. A healthy and mutually supportive relationship should make you feel appreciated and sexually desirable. If this relationship is causing you to feel the opposite, then something really needs to change. So, again, I strongly urge you to talk with him about this and to fully express how this is affecting you. I hope that you can do this while also receiving emotional support from a close friend or counselor.
Q: Can my sphincter become loose from frequent anal sex? Asking for a friend.
A: Asking for a friend... riiiight. :)
Thankfully, the anus is a very flexible organ. It's made to open and close easily (it is made for pooping, after all). So, there's no danger of permanently "loosening" it from frequent anal sex. Some people who engage in "extreme" anal penetration, such as fisting or putting very large objects into the anus, can experience a loosening of the sphincter, but even this is most often temporary. If you're simply engaging in penetration of the anus with a penis or fingers, then there's really nothing to worry about.
Q: I am a queer male who is only attracted to straight males; what is wrong with me?
A: It's likely that there's nothing "wrong" with you. Many gay men fantasize about "seducing" a straight man. If you look around on any gay porn site, you'll see thousands of videos on this exact topic. Why this is the case is hard to say, but there may be a "forbidden fruit" aspect to it, or some gay men may simply take it as a challenge. But, if you're "only" attracted to straight men, then perhaps you could work on widening your sexual interests. Perhaps it's simply that you're attracted to men who act stereotypically masculine and you haven't yet found other queer men who exhibit those traits. Of course, gay and bisexual men come in all shapes, sizes and levels of masculinity. So, you may have just not found the right queer guy for you, at least not yet.
It may also be that there is a part of you that doesn't want to have a romantic or sexual relationship at this point in your life. Being attracted to straight men is, in some sense, a very "safe" attraction to have, because there's nothing that will actually come from it. You're not going to have a romantic relationship with a straight man and it's unlikely you'll have sex with one either. So, perhaps you could talk to someone (a close friend or a counselor) about what may be keeping you from being attracted to the type of men that you could actually have a fulfilling sexual and romantic relationship with.
Q: If one guy and one girl have only slept with each other in their whole entire life. How can trichomoniasis pop up? I understand it is an STD but I don't believe either of us cheated.
A: It is very unlikely to get trichomoniasis without having sex with someone. This STI (sexualy transmitted infection) is caused by a parasite that lives in either the vagina or urethra. It needs a dark, moist area to survive, so it doesn't last long on dry surfaces (such as door knobs or toilet seats). In order for someone to contract it without having sex, an object would have to be placed into an infected vagina or urethra and then almost immediately placed into the vagina or urethra of someone else. If you can imagine a scenario where that happens that doesn't involve sex, then you're more imaginative than I am.
About 70% of people with trichomoniasis never show symptoms of the STI, so they carry it with them without knowing it. This is why it's one of the most common STIs in the U.S., with an estimated 3% of the U.S. carrying the infection. Others contract the STI and only show symptoms years later. So, it could be that one of you has had it for a very long time and it's just now creating symptoms. Thankfully, trichomoniasis is very easy to treat, usually with just a single dose of an antibiotic.
For more information on trichomoniasis, check out:
Q: My boyfriend and I haven't had intercourse but we have had oral. I don't mind it because I enjoy it. But lately I have begun to worry why he doesn't try to have actual intercourse with me. We have been close to a couple of times but he always makes excuses when it comes to it. Is this normal?
A: There could be several reasons why your boyfriend hasn't tried penetrative sex with you. It could be that he's nervous. If this is his first time having penile-vaginal sex or he hasn't had penetrative sex in a long time, he may feel that he won't be "good" at it or that he might ejaculate too quickly. Of course, the only real way to know why is to ask him. If you want to have penetrative sex, there's nothing wrong with simply asking him if he would be comfortable doing that and, if not, why.
If he says that he's worried about his performance or possibly ejaculating too quickly, then perhaps you could try having penetrative sex with him for just a little while (10 - 30 seconds) and then going back to oral sex. You can switch back and forth until he feels comfortable enough to have penetrative sex for longer periods of time. If he does ejaculate quickly, then check out my blog post on how guys can last longer when having sex. You can find that post here.
The best thing to do in these types of situations is to talk about it. You can do so in a non-judgmental way and remind him that he can talk to you about anything and you'll be understanding and caring. After all, if you truly care about each other, you should be able to talk openly and honestly about sex.
Q: I haven't had sex in over a year, and often I do feel horny but I never actually feel sexually attracted to anyone (I don't think I ever really have) and I'm not sure what that means. I mean I'm not sexually repulsed, but I don't really enjoy it all that much, but sometimes I have urges.
A: There's nothing wrong or abnormal about having periods in your life when you're not particularly attracted to anyone. Some people will go through "dry spells" where they either don't meet someone who sexually attracts them or just aren't feeling "in the mood" enough to look for someone to have sex with. This type of temporary lull in sexual arousal can be due to many thing: Stress, recent lifestyle changes, fluctuations in hormones, taking anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medications, etc. In most cases, this tends to pass in a few months. If it doesn't pass and your lack of sexual desire bothers you, you may want to talk to a doctor or therapist about it.
Since you mentioned that it's possible you've never been sexually attracted to other people, it may be that you are "asexual" or "graysexual" (also referred to as an "ace"). These are individuals who, for whatever reason, simply lack an interest in sex. Many of these individuals still feel sexual urges and masturbate from time-to-time, and may even want to be romantically involved with other people, but don't have an interest in actually having sex with other people. This is a pretty new "sexual orientation" and not much is known yet about asexuality. However, it is becoming a more common sexual identity. Semi-recent studies conducted in the U.S. and U.K. suggest that 0.5 - 1.5% of people are asexual. However, a poll at UC Merced found that 8% of students surveyed described themselves as "asexual" (data not publicly available), indicating this is likely a more common sexual identity among younger people.
There is a growing community of support for asexuals online and at school. For example, they are one of the recognized groups in our UC Merced Lamba Alliance club. In fact, they hosted an Asexuality Awareness Week in 2015. There's no easy way to tell if you are asexual or not, but perhaps it's something you could look into.
For more information on asexuality, please check out the following sources...
A recent article about asexuality and how it fits with other sexual orientations: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/19/asexual-relationships_n_3362206.html
An article about how to decide if you are asexual/graysexual:
The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network:
Q: I'm getting a sex toy soon, but I live in the dorms. Where/how can I clean it?
A: Obviously, the easiest way to clean sex toys is with soap and water, but I'm guessing you don't want to carry your sex toy down the dorm hallway to the shared bathrooms. Thankfully, there are inexpensive cleaners you can use just for this purpose. They are disinfectant sprays and wipes that are made in a way so that they won't degrade the plastic or silicone. However, if you have a vibrator that is made of metal or a tough plastic, you can just use anti-bacterial cleaning wipes, which you can get at any store. Just don't get ones that are soaked in bleach, because that could irritate your genitals if you use it soon after it's wiped down.
You can buy sex toy cleaners on Lovehoney.com here or on Amazon here.
Q: How can I prepare for my and my girlfriend's first time?
A: Wow, that's a big question! There are so many things I could talk about, but I'll try to keep it (somewhat) brief and offer some helpful advice.
First of all, relax and just have fun with it! For whatever reason, people often put too much pressure on themselves and have really high expectations for their "first time." Sex, like anything, is something you get better at with practice. So, don't necessarily expect fireworks the first time you have sex. Most women report not orgasming the first time they have sex, but still enjoying it. So, it'll most likely be an interesting and exciting experience, but definitely not the best sex you'll ever have.
Another thing to remember is to engage in plenty of foreplay beforehand. I'm going to assume that you and your girlfriend are already engaging in manual and oral sex. If not, I would highly recommend you start there. Often penile-vaginal sex doesn't last that long. Most studies find that couples engage in penetrative sex for about 5 minutes during an average "session." So, sex is mostly about foreplay anyway. Make sure that you're enjoying that and then penetrative sex can just be icing on the cake.
To make it more comfortable for your girlfriend, especially if it's also her first time having sex, make sure to take things slow. If she's 18 or older, it's unlikely that she still has a hymen to "break" even if she's never had sex before. So she doesn't need to worry about her first time having sex necessarily being painful. To make penetration more comfortable, start by penetrating her vagina with your fingers. If you can comfortably fit 3 fingers into the vagina, then inserting a penis shouldn't be uncomfortable. Also, if the vagina isn't wet and soft, then it's likely she's not that aroused (which can happen when people are nervous). If that's the case, go back to foreplay and maybe try later if she becomes more relaxed and sexually aroused. It's also good to just "check in" and ask her how she's feeling or what she'd like to do.
One last thing to consider is that having sex is most enjoyable when both parties are relaxed. I know it can be hard to "just relax," but perhaps you can try not to think too much about this being your "first time" or a big moment. There's nothing all that different about having penetrative sex versus non-penetrative sex. If you're both relaxed and just have fun with it, I'm sure it'll be an enjoyable experience for both of you!
Answers provided by Dr. Ross Avilla
Dr. Ross Avilla has been teaching Human Sexuality since 2013 and has a PhD in psychology from UC Davis. Dr. Avilla is not a clinician and all information and advice offered on this website is for educational purposes only.