Q: Why after having sex with a girl more than once I stop being attracted by her?
A: It's impossible for me to answer that question for you, as there could be many reasons for this. Sexual attraction can be caused by many things, and very often it has more to do with psychology than physiology. It's unlikely that you would find a woman's body physically less attractive after having sex with her a few times. So, it's likely that there is a psychological reason for this. It may be that what you find most sexually arousing, psychologically, is the idea of being with someone new. Perhaps it's the "chase" that is especially exciting for you. Or, perhaps you have anxiety about having a long-term sexual relationship with someone. If this is something that is troubling you, then you should try to figure this out for yourself, perhaps with close friends or a counselor. Good luck!
Q: Is "squirting" really a thing? Many men that I have been with ask me if I squirt and I never really know what to say. I have never squirted myself but men often tell me that they have made women squirt before. I've heard some people insist that women squirting is actually just pee, and I've also heard some insist that it isn't. Do women even really squirt or is that a myth all together? If it isn't pee, and it really is a female version of ejaculation, then why doesn't it happen all the time and to every woman? Does every woman have the capability to squirt and what does it depend on?
A: Yes, "squirting" really does happen, but it's not very common. Our Human Sexuality textbook states that only about 0.5% of women "squirt" (although, I'm not sure where they got this statistic). "Squirting" is when women release vaginal fluid (not urine) out of the Skene's gland during orgasm. For most women, this fluid squirts into the vagina and urethra and is meant to clean these areas, so that no traces of urine remain in the vagin that can harm sperm. For a small minority of women, their Skene's gland points outward (rather than inward toward the vagina), so this fluid "squirts" out during orgasm. In a sense, every woman "squirts" when they orgasm, but most squirt inside of their vagina where you won't notice it (or have to clean it up afterward).
For some, "squirting" is a real turn-on, as it's a visible signal that a woman is orgasming. There are even some women who train themselves to become squirters. This involves exercising the Kegel muscles (pelvic floor muscles) regularly. By strengthening these muscles, a woman can tense them to point her Skene's gland outward while orgasming. To further facilitate this, a woman can open up her labia (vaginal lips) and point the top of her vagina up and outward during orgasm, to further expose the Skene's gland. This can allow virtually any woman to "squirt" if she wishes.
Q: The skin color of my vagina is darker than the rest of my skin, is that normal? I am very self conscious about this because I know it's not dirty but it just looks like it and it prevents me from being comfortable with having sex with the lights on. If this isn't normal, what should I do?
A: Having darker skin on the genitals is very normal for both women and men. Skin tone has a lot to do with the type of skin you're looking at. The skin that makes up the genitals tends to be more porous and elastic than the skin on other parts of your body, making it darker (similar to the skin on your elbows). Most people have genitals that are darker in tone than the surrounding skin (this is also true of the anus).
One reason this may not seem "normal" is that many porn actors have their genitals and anus "bleached" to make them appear lighter. This is unnatural and can be harmful to this skin, so it's not recommended for most people to do.
Q: How can I last longer in bed? I feel like I don’t last long enough and I want to make sure my partner is satisfied and I don’t feel like I do that for her since I finish fast.
A: First of all, you should know that you're not alone. Premature ejaculation (cumming too quickly) is one of the most common problems that men have in the bedroom. And, research finds that lasting 2 minutes might be the norm for about 40% of men. Also, several studies have found that penile-vaginal intercouse lasts an average of 5 - 7 minutes for most couples. But, if you want to last longer, there are several things you can try.
One method is the "Start and Stop" technique. This is something that can be done with a partner or while masturbating. Just stimulate the penis like you normally do until you feel like you're getting close to orgasm. Then stop stimulating the penis and wait for the sensation to die down. Once you aren't close to orgasm anymore, begin stimulating the penis again. Continue doing this until you've reached the desired amount of time and then stimulate yourself until you reach orgasm. This can train the body and brain to last a certain amount of time before orgasming. It does take a while to retrain yourself, but this technique works for most men.
Another method you could try is using condoms. Condoms can somewhat reduce sensation during sex. This is sometimes seen as a negative thing by men, but it can be a benefit for men who experience premature ejaculation. You can also purchase special condoms that have a mild analgesic coating on the inside, which can slightly deaden the nerves of the penis while the condom is worn. This can further elongate the time before ejaculation.
Something to keep in mind, though, is that this is only a "problem" if it's keeping you and your partner from enjoying sex. A great way to help both of you enjoy sex more is to have lots of foreplay before engaging in penile-vaginal intercourse. It typically takes women about 20 - 30 minutes of stimulation to reach peak arousal and have an orgasm, so hopefully you are engaging in foreplay long enough to allow that to happen. Whether your partner orgasms from vaginal sex or oral or manual sex likely doesn't matter to them, as long as they're being sexually fulfilled.
Q: How can I make my load shoot further? For most of my life, my loads have tended to just dribble out when I orgasmed. But about a year ago, I bottomed for the first time for a guy in a while. I’m not sure if it was due to my prostate being stimulated, but for about 2 months after that experience, I began to shoot loads regularly. But now I’m back to just dribbling.
A: There is a lot of natural variability in how much and how far men ejaculate. A normal, healthy ejaculate can range from 0.5 - 2 tablespoons in volume and can be come out anywhere from a dribble to being shot several feet. It all depends on your genetics, general health, and current level of sexual arousal. In general, men produce less semen and shoot less far as they get older. This is due to sperm and semen production decreasing with age, as well as the pelvic floor muscles becoming weaker.
The best way to produce more semen is to masturbate regularly (several times a week or more). This encourages the body to produce more sperm and semen. If a man wants to produce a lot of semen in one go, then he can masturbate every day for about a week and then not masturbate for a few days after that. During his next ejaculate, he should produce about as much semen as his body is able.
A way to help ejaculates shoot farther out is to regularly exercise the pelvic floor muscles. This is commonly done through Kegel exercises. To do Kegel exercises, squeeze the muscles you would normally use if you were urinating and then wanted to suddenly stop. Squeeze and hold these muscles for 5 - 10 seconds and then release them for 5 - 10 seconds. Do this about 10 times in a row. You can do this exercise twice a day for maximum effect. This will help to strengthen the muscles that are used to push semen out of the body during ejaculation.
Lastly, men tend to produce more semen and stronger ejaculations when they are highly aroused sexually. Studies show men tend to produce the most powerful ejaculations when they are having sex with someone new and/or someone they find particularly attractive. This may be why you experienced a time of increased ejaculation when you were bottoming. So, perhaps you could try to spice up your sex life in some way in order to regain that ability.
Q: Is there any way I can add girth to my penis?
A: The average penis is about 1.5 inches in diameter (about the width of 2 fingers) and this is perfectly satisfying to the vast majority of women. In anonymous surveys, only 14% of women say they wish their sex partner had a bigger penis. So, before you worry about increasing your girth, you may want to make sure this is something your sex partner actually wants.
If it is, then the best way to add girth to your penis is to use a penis sleeve sex toy (Warning: Link NSFW). These penis enhancers slip overtop the penis, increasing its girth and/or length. They can also come with vibrating tips or bases for extra stimulation. While the penis sleeve covers the penis during sex, they are designed to also be stimulating for the man who is wearing it. The sleeve allows the penis to slide in and out of it, much like a "pocket pussy", and is supposed to have the feel of a real vagina.
Currently, there are no pills or safe surgical methods for enlarging a man's penis (no matter what claims you find in your spam folder). So, the penis sleeve is the most safe and effective way to add some extra size your penis.
Q: I recently had oral sex, and I was wondering if saliva has any spermicidal properties?
A: Spermicides are substances that kills sperm and are commonly used on condoms, diaphragms and other contraceptives to try to reduce the chance of a couple getting pregnant. It is true that saliva can kill sperm, since saliva does contain small amounts of stomach acid (which help to pre-digest food). However, saliva is 99.5% water, so it's relatively safe for sperm. In other words, saliva will only kill a small amount of sperm, leaving most of the 150 million sperm that is released in an average ejaculation unharmed. There is some research that the sticky quality of semen can impede the movement of sperm, but this was found to be a pretty weak effect; again, only affecting a minority of sperm. So, saliva doesn't kill or impede sperm enough to act as a spermicide or other form of contraceptive.
Q: I like masturbating but I don't like cleaning up the mess. Is there a masturbation technique for a man to achieve orgasm without ejaculating? Could a man achieve multiple orgasms without a refractory period?
A: There are a lot of guides online that claim to teach men how to orgasm without ejaculating (you can find some here, here, and here). This is often seen as the key to allowing men to have multiple orgasms. All of these guides claim that the way men can stop ejaculating is by clenching your pelvic floor muscles (in particular, the pubococcygeus, or PC muscles) while orgasming. These muscles can effectively block the seminal track, so that semen doesn't escape during orgasm. This can then allow a man to have an orgasm without ejaculating and maybe even have another orgasm quickly after. However, to do this, you need to have built up very strong PC muscles.
A man (or woman) can build up their PC muscles by performing Kegel exercises. This is where you clench the muscles you would normally use if you wanted to stop urinating suddenly. You clench and hold these muscles for 5 - 10 seconds and then relax them. You would then repeat this 10 times in a row, several times a day. Kegel exercises are most commonly prescribed to women before and after childbirth, because it can help quicken delivery and the healing process afterward.
Using this technique to help men control their ejaculation hasn't been well tested scientifically. It's likely that results will vary a lot between men. Many men will likely be unable to inhibit their ejaculation, even if they frequently perform Kegel exercises. For a man, it isn't natural to not ejaculate when having an orgasm, and it may even be unhealthy. For example, some men have medical conditions where they cannot ejaculate when having an orgasm (known as retrograde ejaculation) and this can cause pain and other medical complications. So, you should probably just be happy that you can ejaculate normally. As for cleaning up the mess, just ejaculate in some Kleenex that you can throw away, or ejaculate in the shower or into a toilet.
Q: I read how having sex before a big game can help athletic performance. Can something similar be true for doing well on exams. Would having sex before my finals increase my test score? I wouldn’t mind preparing for tests if that’s true.
A: There are a lot of myths surrounding the use of sex to "enhance" other abilities. When it comes to sports, I've heard it both ways. Some encourage players to have sex before a big game as a way to reduce stress and stay focused, while others encourage players to abstain from sex before a game, so that they can be extra "amped up." In fact, the Mexican football league ordered their players to abstain from sex for at least 40 days before a World Cup game! However, all of this is based on hearsay and speculation. There is actually no scientific evidence that having sex either helps or hurts an athlete's performance.
The same is true for the impact of sex on test performance: there doesn't seem to be any discernable effect from either having sex or abstaining from it. There is some evidence that regularly orgasming can help with the production of new neurons (neurogenesis), but this is when comparing people who have sex regularly vs. those who don't over the course of years. So, there's no reason to think that either having sex (or not) the night before exams will have any impact on your test scores. Although, it probably wouldn't hurt to test this out for yourself. :-)
Q: If my partner is on birth control, is there really a need for a condom as well? Is there much difference in the chance of getting pregnant when the two methods are combined versus only using birth control?
A: Condoms are a great method of preventing birth. If they are used correctly, they can be 98% effective (meaning if 100 couples had sex regularly for a year and they used condoms, only 2 of the 100 would get pregnant by the end of the year. Birth control (oral pills, implants, IUDs, etc.) work even better. If they're used correctly, they are 99.3 - 99.5% effective (only 1 in 200 couples would get pregnant using it in a year).
If your only goal is to prevent pregnancy, there really is no reason you would need more protection than birth control alone. However, condoms are the only form of contraception that can prevent sexually transmitted infections (e.g., herpes, gonorrhea, HIV). If you're absolutely certain that you and your partner do not have STIs, then it's relatively safe to not wear condoms during sex. The other thing to consider, though, is that oral birth control is only effective if a person remembers to take it every single day. Even missing the pill for just two days can greatly reduce its effectiveness in preventing pregnancy. So, in this case, condoms can be a great backup plan.
If your partner is on an oral (pill) form of birth control, she may benefit from getting a more long-lasting form of birth control, such as an implant or IUD. You can find more information on these here. These forms of birth control don't need to be administered every day, so there's no chance of forgetting to take it and becoming unprotected. Studies show these "long acting, reversible contraceptives" (LARCs) tend to be much more effective in reducing pregnancy, even when compared to traditional birth control. In other words, if you're using a LARC and neither of you have an STI, then there really isn't a need to use condoms.
Answers provided by Dr. Ross Avilla
Dr. Ross Avilla has been teaching Human Sexuality since 2013 and has a PhD in psychology from UC Davis. Dr. Avilla is not a clinician and all information and advice offered on this website is for educational purposes only.